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He knew.

I told Collin, “I just wasn’t ready to take on the commitment yet, okay.” He has been asking why Flynn isn’t potty trained for half of a year now. I don’t know, ya know. I was just procrastinating. I had a routine, I was comfortable, I am pregnant, and it has been hard. I really struggled with some emotional and mental health issues the first trimester, and some of those demons were creeping their way back. I kept telling myself. “I am too tired. I am too awkward. I am fighting my own battles. I can’t help Flynn with this right now. I just can’t do it. It is too much.”


The last time I went to Wal-mart, I didn’t get any diapers. I got some pull-ups and underwear instead. My motivation came from not wanting two kids in diapers. I was so skeptical of being able to stay sane and tackle this. I felt mostly hopeless. (Some of that is just pregnancy hormones. I like to blame them for everything wrong lately.) I didn’t start that day though. I got scared. The next day we began. He peed everywhere. The next day we continued.... we are still continuing, and he is getting better:)  
Mostly, though, I am getting better, better at being the mom I should have been. Heavenly Father knew what I needed. I needed to be a better mom. I have learned so much about my son, I didn’t know. Because, I am actively with him all day long looking for pee and poop signals. He wakes at 6:30. I am with him. I use to turn the T.V. on for him, and go back to bed for an hour or two. I was just too tired to start my day that early. One day, I even forgot where my phone was, because I hadn’t used it all day. ALL DAY. I was with my son… really with him. Every night I give him hugs and tell him how proud I am of him, and how much I believed in him. I tell him he can do hard things. I tell him I love him.
I really enjoy our time during the day together. I learned he loves to hum and make up songs. He is really good at puzzles. His favorite insect is a spider. He really likes chicken. He loves to laugh and chat. He thinks he is really funny. He has a lot to say. He is sensitive and kind. He wants to be a good boy. He is so much more than I ever knew he was, because I wasn’t paying attention to him. I was paying attention to me.
So, He knew. All the nights I spent praying to feel worth and find purpose in my life right now. God knew where I could find it. I could find it with my son, who was ready to be potty trained.

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