It is almost 2 A.M. I am, maybe, going to sleep soon. My body is tired, my mind just isn't. I can't escape the sad. It is weird how depression can either keep you up till the sun comes over the mountain, or, make you sleep your days away. It is funny like that.
I don't find myself in depressive "downs" (that's what I call them) very often. I am lucky, really. But those few days, or weeks, can be so painful and dark. I often think it will just go away. POOF! There went my mental struggles. It isn't going anywhere. It really isn't. I should deal.
I have written down the feelings that I feel just to get them out and try to deal from there. They aren't happy feelings. Lifeless. Hopeless. Worthless. These are always the three that come. Depression is downward spiral into a dark place.
I am blessed. I really am. I know this. I have so many talents and gifts to be thankful for and develop. My Father in Heaven loves me. That, my friends, is all I can really hold on to during those downs. I have no hope in myself. I have no faith in my strength. I have nothing. I feel nothing. But, I always have my God... and my husband. Collin, bless his heart. He is such a saint. But, I can't expect him to supply me life, when I have none. My Creator gave me life and he will continue to aid me in my troubling times.
Though my war with depression will be one I fight forever. I would like to think that I can win every single battle.
I remember my mother crying with me, while she hugged me, and with the passion of a loving mother to a distressed, broken daughter she told me to never let this control me. Never. I don't intend to. But, sometimes it is a lot easier to not fight back.
There are days when I can't understand why anyone would love me. Why? There are mornings when I don't feel like it would matter if I even woke up, no one should care. All I have done is let everyone down. I am a failure.
Deep down I know this is WRONG. So wrong. It is a hard battle to make myself believe what I truly know deep down in my heart and soul.
I share this, because I feel for you. I know that there are struggles with the dark, monster depression in people everywhere. I like to know I am not alone. I spend most of my time trying to make my life look perfect. It isn't. And, that is okay. It is better that we see the struggles and weaknesses of other people. I empathize. For those who find themselves in this battle. Keep fighting. I don't know the plan Father in Heaven has for me. But, I believe there is one. I don't understand how struggling in pain can benefit me. But, I know it will. The Gospel is true. It is real. The atonement can heal. My God can make beauty from pain.
I don't find myself in depressive "downs" (that's what I call them) very often. I am lucky, really. But those few days, or weeks, can be so painful and dark. I often think it will just go away. POOF! There went my mental struggles. It isn't going anywhere. It really isn't. I should deal.
I have written down the feelings that I feel just to get them out and try to deal from there. They aren't happy feelings. Lifeless. Hopeless. Worthless. These are always the three that come. Depression is downward spiral into a dark place.
I am blessed. I really am. I know this. I have so many talents and gifts to be thankful for and develop. My Father in Heaven loves me. That, my friends, is all I can really hold on to during those downs. I have no hope in myself. I have no faith in my strength. I have nothing. I feel nothing. But, I always have my God... and my husband. Collin, bless his heart. He is such a saint. But, I can't expect him to supply me life, when I have none. My Creator gave me life and he will continue to aid me in my troubling times.
Though my war with depression will be one I fight forever. I would like to think that I can win every single battle.
I remember my mother crying with me, while she hugged me, and with the passion of a loving mother to a distressed, broken daughter she told me to never let this control me. Never. I don't intend to. But, sometimes it is a lot easier to not fight back.
There are days when I can't understand why anyone would love me. Why? There are mornings when I don't feel like it would matter if I even woke up, no one should care. All I have done is let everyone down. I am a failure.
Deep down I know this is WRONG. So wrong. It is a hard battle to make myself believe what I truly know deep down in my heart and soul.
I share this, because I feel for you. I know that there are struggles with the dark, monster depression in people everywhere. I like to know I am not alone. I spend most of my time trying to make my life look perfect. It isn't. And, that is okay. It is better that we see the struggles and weaknesses of other people. I empathize. For those who find themselves in this battle. Keep fighting. I don't know the plan Father in Heaven has for me. But, I believe there is one. I don't understand how struggling in pain can benefit me. But, I know it will. The Gospel is true. It is real. The atonement can heal. My God can make beauty from pain.
I would like to follow up with this: I am fine. I am doing just great. I am happily married and life is good. I have my family, my religion, and my meds. I am doing ok. 99% of the time, my life is better than I could ever imagine:)
ReplyDeleteHey darling Saige. You are such a beautiful person. We certainly do live in a fallen world and everyone has their own personal trials and difficult things to deal with. You are always so happy and so bright, I never would have guessed you deal with depression. I hope you continue to move forward and find joy in the little things each day. I just love you Saige. Let me know if I can ever help in any way. Do you still live in the same place?
ReplyDeleteDearest Saige,
ReplyDeleteI remember one day after soccer practice talking to you (I think Trecia might have been there too) about who knows what and you mentioned that your life is not perfect and that you have your own struggles to deal with, despite what people may see on the outside. I remember that hitting me so hard, that Saige, this beautiful, talented, smart girl that I had set in my head as literally perfect, had problems too. That I wasn't alone in my struggles through life, it wasn't just me. I'm sure you don't remember this at all, but I want to thank you for that brief comment. Although you didn't delve into your struggles and complain about them openly, you made it known that they were there. I can't tell you how much that meant to me as a high school girl, knowing that even perfect Saige had problems too, and that I wasn't being singled out and picked on. I love you girl, hope you and Collin are doing well :)