Skip to main content

He knew.

I told Collin, “I just wasn’t ready to take on the commitment yet, okay.” He has been asking why Flynn isn’t potty trained for half of a year now. I don’t know, ya know. I was just procrastinating. I had a routine, I was comfortable, I am pregnant, and it has been hard. I really struggled with some emotional and mental health issues the first trimester, and some of those demons were creeping their way back. I kept telling myself. “I am too tired. I am too awkward. I am fighting my own battles. I can’t help Flynn with this right now. I just can’t do it. It is too much.”


The last time I went to Wal-mart, I didn’t get any diapers. I got some pull-ups and underwear instead. My motivation came from not wanting two kids in diapers. I was so skeptical of being able to stay sane and tackle this. I felt mostly hopeless. (Some of that is just pregnancy hormones. I like to blame them for everything wrong lately.) I didn’t start that day though. I got scared. The next day we began. He peed everywhere. The next day we continued.... we are still continuing, and he is getting better:)  


Mostly, though, I am getting better, better at being the mom I should have been. Heavenly Father knew what I needed. I needed to be a better mom. I have learned so much about my son, I didn’t know. Because, I am actively with him all day long looking for pee and poop signals. He wakes at 6:30. I am with him. I use to turn the T.V. on for him, and go back to bed for an hour or two. I was just too tired to start my day that early. One day, I even forgot where my phone was, because I hadn’t used it all day. ALL DAY. I was with my son… really with him. Every night I give him hugs and tell him how proud I am of him, and how much I believed in him. I tell him he can do hard things. I tell him I love him.


I really enjoy our time during the day together. I learned he loves to hum and make up songs. He is really good at puzzles. His favorite insect is a spider. He really likes chicken. He loves to laugh and chat. He thinks he is really funny. He has a lot to say. He is sensitive and kind. He wants to be a good boy. He is so much more than I ever knew he was, because I wasn’t paying attention to him. I was paying attention to me.

So, He knew. All the nights I spent praying to feel worth and find purpose in my life right now. God knew where I could find it. I could find it with my son, who was ready to be potty trained.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Anniversary and Other Big News

One year done! And, might I add, we are doing great! The last year has flown by. I guess it has been good then. Time flies when you are having fun. I did find myself a little jealous of the weather today. It was sunny and nice - for December - and when I got married it was like 5 degrees and bitter cold. I told Collin we ought to go back and do it again. JK. I am thankful for the opportunity God blessed me with to marry, Collin. He is a blessing in my life, and he completes me in all the right ways. We make a great team! I am excited for all the years to come. I graduated! This is kind of like big deal. I graduated with a BS in Family Science with a Human Development emphasis. So, what is that really? I have gotten this question a few times. First of all, it isn't a Home Economics degree. I did not take any sewing or cooking classes. I took classes about humans and how we develop with in a family. I will give some example, Socialization Across Childhood, Adolescent Development,...

Talk Negative to Me

“You are totally out of your league. You gotta leave, now!” This is what was playing in my head as soon as I watched the other ladies hit. I had agreed to go play volleyball with my friend. Neither of us knew what we were going to find when we got to Bear Lake gym. Well, we found players - like - playa players. The voice just continued playing over and over as my body got tight, my heart beat fast, and I began to squirm inside. “You aren’t good enough. Did you see that set? You can’t set like that. Wowzer. That was an insane angle. You can’t hit like that. They must have all played college, for sure. You didn’t even play in high school. Oh, they are using all that fancy volleyball lingo. Do you even know what she just said?” Panic. Now, lucky for me, I was well into my current reading selection, a sports psychology book. And, fortunately I had just finished the chapter on negative self talk right before I left for this sporting excursion. In “This is Your Brain on ...

Beauty from Pain

It is almost 2 A.M. I am, maybe, going to sleep soon. My body is tired, my mind just isn't. I can't escape the sad. It is weird how depression can either keep you up till the sun comes over the mountain, or, make you sleep your days away. It is funny like that. I don't find myself in depressive "downs" (that's what I call them) very often. I am lucky, really. But those few days, or weeks, can be so painful and dark. I often think it will just go away. POOF! There went my mental struggles. It isn't going anywhere. It really isn't. I should deal. I have written down the feelings that I feel just to get them out and try to deal from there. They aren't happy feelings. Lifeless. Hopeless. Worthless. These are always the three that come. Depression is downward spiral into a dark place. I am blessed. I really am. I know this. I have so many talents and gifts to be thankful for and develop. My Father in Heaven loves me. That, my friends, is all I can...