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I just bought new jeans...

I am in no way sharing these personal thoughts and experiences to be compared to others. I get it. It could be worse. It could be better. I am sharing to connect with others so we can be more loving and less judgmental of ourselves and those around us. So, moving forward... First of all, I am upset I had to buy new jeans. Second of all, I am really upset about being upset I had to buy new jeans. Because, I recognized my flawed thinking and attribution of worth… but I still care a little... I couldn’t wait to put on my real pants after I had my son. My body shifts and grows and shrinks in weird ways while I am pregnant, and I am able to wear my pants fairly quickly. My legs get smaller while my belly gets bigger. I put my pants on about a week after and with pride patted myself on the back, because, why? I don’t know… I thought I was special, or awesome, better than other ladies. (I am trying hard to avoid my own insecurities and shortcomings by comparing and judging.) ...
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Talk Negative to Me

“You are totally out of your league. You gotta leave, now!” This is what was playing in my head as soon as I watched the other ladies hit. I had agreed to go play volleyball with my friend. Neither of us knew what we were going to find when we got to Bear Lake gym. Well, we found players - like - playa players. The voice just continued playing over and over as my body got tight, my heart beat fast, and I began to squirm inside. “You aren’t good enough. Did you see that set? You can’t set like that. Wowzer. That was an insane angle. You can’t hit like that. They must have all played college, for sure. You didn’t even play in high school. Oh, they are using all that fancy volleyball lingo. Do you even know what she just said?” Panic. Now, lucky for me, I was well into my current reading selection, a sports psychology book. And, fortunately I had just finished the chapter on negative self talk right before I left for this sporting excursion. In “This is Your Brain on ...
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"Hi, I am Saige, and I am a Perfectionist."

I think that if I had just started my first therapy session with that, we could have saved a great deal of time getting to the core of my emotional and mental issues. Instead we had to muck through a bunch of other baggage. So, here I am now, a recovering Perfectionist. My last session of therapy my Therapist told me she was proud of me and we needn’t reschedule, just call her when I needed her again. (I think she has a great grasp of how job security works.) I was leaving her office with new eyes. I decided to pick up a book I had read twice before titled, “The Gift of Imperfections” by Brene’ Brown. I thought reading it this time, I might actually get what she was trying to say. Previously, I had gotten done reading it, and been like -”I am good. I don’t have any of these problems.” I have all these problems. Brene’ Brown is a social scientist, who dedicated her work to studying Shame and Vulnerability. She talks about the armor we build to deal with not wanting to feels the...
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The Mental Picture

I have misrepresented this pregnancy immensely. I have done an awesome job of documenting every time I really get ready.“You look great, Saige!” “Look how cute you are pregnant.” “You don’t even look pregnant from the back.” “I can’t see it in your face at all.” I will be honest. It is nice to hear. It is encouraging. But, it isn’t the truth. Pregnancy is so much more than gaining your baby weight and wearing maternity clothes. I can take pictures and post them. I can’t really take a mental picture and post that to show what my real pregnancy looks like. I write this with the most sensitivity that I can. I know that when it comes to fertility, miscarriage, stillborn birth, pregnancy, labor, child raising etc. there are a lot of different emotions flying this way and that. I do not mean to offend anyone in my attempts to be honest about my pregnancy. I want to be real. And, let people know it isn’t what it looks like, because we can’t take mental pictures to post on social media. ...
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He knew.

I told Collin, “I just wasn’t ready to take on the commitment yet, okay.” He has been asking why Flynn isn’t potty trained for half of a year now. I don’t know, ya know. I was just procrastinating. I had a routine, I was comfortable, I am pregnant, and it has been hard. I really struggled with some emotional and mental health issues the first trimester, and some of those demons were creeping their way back. I kept telling myself. “I am too tired. I am too awkward. I am fighting my own battles. I can’t help Flynn with this right now. I just can’t do it. It is too much.” The last time I went to Wal-mart, I didn’t get any diapers. I got some pull-ups and underwear instead. My motivation came from not wanting two kids in diapers. I was so skeptical of being able to stay sane and tackle this. I felt mostly hopeless. (Some of that is just pregnancy hormones. I like to blame them for everything wrong lately.) I didn’t start that day though. I got scared. The next day we began. He peed ev...
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Labor: a not so pretty but beautiful story

Six weeks ago and some I gave birth to my beautiful son, Flynn. It was an experience. That is it, an experience. I wish that I could say it was wonderful and enlightening... blah blah. I also wish that I could have taken pictures right after and looked like “no big deal” I just had a baby. Of course we see pictures on facebook of ladies in the hospital after they have given birth, they are happy, look great… well of course they do! They took that picture with the intent of putting it on facebook. We only show the best to all our facebook friends. Here is my story, a real story of labor. First off, I went a week over. I think we all secretly hope for our baby to surprise us and come a few days early. (I would like to take a quick break to point out: waiting a little while longer is okay. I think of my friends who have had babies come dangerously early, and I would wait an extra 2 months rather than have my baby before it is a good and safe time.) I was scheduled to be induced on th...
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Anniversary and Other Big News

One year done! And, might I add, we are doing great! The last year has flown by. I guess it has been good then. Time flies when you are having fun. I did find myself a little jealous of the weather today. It was sunny and nice - for December - and when I got married it was like 5 degrees and bitter cold. I told Collin we ought to go back and do it again. JK. I am thankful for the opportunity God blessed me with to marry, Collin. He is a blessing in my life, and he completes me in all the right ways. We make a great team! I am excited for all the years to come. I graduated! This is kind of like big deal. I graduated with a BS in Family Science with a Human Development emphasis. So, what is that really? I have gotten this question a few times. First of all, it isn't a Home Economics degree. I did not take any sewing or cooking classes. I took classes about humans and how we develop with in a family. I will give some example, Socialization Across Childhood, Adolescent Development,...
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